Healing

Alex Estrada

Somehow, with the help of others, I’ve managed to stay alive for 16 years. However 8 out of those years, most of the time, when I was alone, I’d feel miserable. As if the devil himself took out a piece of me and never gave it back. Oh, well, I guess he did. Maybe you know how it feels, or you don’t. Having constant reminders and nightmares. Not even being able to trust anyone. Secluding yourself from the outside world. Maybe you have a different reason or you don’t. At this point, you’re probably aching to know what happened, or maybe you already have an idea.

Imagine back to your childhood and whether it was one of your parents or a friend. You both were holding hands, and for a second they’d just grabbed your hand too tightly, and you realized that you just couldn’t escape their grasp. For that one second alone you’d feel panicked and weak. And maybe it was because you were at the grocery store and you saw a toy and your mother had to pull you away. Most of you probably tugged and tried to get to the toy, or you’d get on the floor and throw a tantrum. Some of you just gave up or just didn’t try at all.

That’s something that happens to many women and men. Only usually in the scenario that someone else is on top of them and they’re being raped. It happened to me, eight years ago. For a period of time my mother, brother and I all lived in the same apartment complex as my grandparents. My grandparents lived on the second floor and we lived on the third. You see, one night, my father was at the casino and everyone else was at my grandparent's apartment.

We had guests that night, some of my uncles, and my oldest cousin, who was at the time our age-- 16, all came over.

My cousin manipulated me and told me if I did this “thing” with him he would tell me a secret. I didn’t know what we were going to do, what I knew was that he promised me he was going to tell me a secret regarding my parents. For a kid I was smart, I could read and write by the age of four,  however, I lacked some dark knowledge. He took me upstairs, told me to lie to everyone and tell them that I was getting a toy, and he was coming with me just in case I saw a lizard. Which I’m deeply scared of. He took me to my parent's bathroom, told me to lie on the floor. Then he unzipped his pants, got on top of me, and then raped me. This went on for months, apart from just raping me he was also touching me every time he came over.

I didn’t know what he was doing to me, I didn’t even know ‘sex’ was a thing or possibly even. I found out what sex was at church one day, some of the older girls were talking about it. Little Miss Alex obviously had to know what it was right? So I begged them to tell me, and after a good 10 minutes, they did. Oh my.  I remember feeling murderous, disgusted and ashamed. I became distant with my mother and everyone around me. Especially with all the male members of my family. I hated living in my skin. I should’ve known better. Anyways after finding this out, at family functions, I’d stay in crowded areas, to try and escape his grasp.

My cousin currently lives in New Brunswick in North Jersey. And when we decided to move here, it was my biggest nightmare. Mainly because he was my mother's favorite nephew, so I knew we were going to see him often.

Fast forward to spring 2018. I wanted to throw a small get together with all my close friends for my birthday party. My mom wanted to invite, you know, him. I kept telling her “no, I don’t want him to come.” Like any other person, she asked me why. You see I wasn’t planning on telling this to anyone till I turned 18. For me it was just kind of a “ should I tell her? Or not?” It’s a hard thing to do. For 30 minutes it was a guessing game.

How do you tell your mom that her favorite nephew raped her? How do you bring that much pain to someone? To be honest I don’t really know. She just guessed it, I didn’t say a word. I just shook my head to say yes. I couldn’t tell her. My mom started crying, in a way I’ve never seen her before. Not even after she divorced my father 7 years ago. It was excruciating to see her like that.  I was being Alex and not trying to show any emotions because crying is for the weak right? That night she told everyone. She told the whole family what happened, even though I begged her not to.

I found out weeks later, a day after my birthday, that some people said some things about it. A lot of people in my family took sides. It was everyone on my cousin's side and my mom on mine. He said that he didn't rape me, that he just touched me. Everyone backed him up. Some said that it wasn’t a big deal because it happens to a lot of girls. Others said that he didn’t do anything. Many said that his father used to abuse him and that’s why he did it because he was a 16-year-old who didn’t know better. They made me the bad guy. It all had just affirmed the way I think about myself. Disgusting.

However, I’ve been healing lately. I still don’t really like receiving hugs or being too close to boys on a friendly level. But I’m trying. I’m okay with sometimes giving out hugs now and I’ve also gained more male friends! This experience taught me that people don’t show their true colors until they get offended. Also that my mother is the closest person to me, she's been my best friend all along. Even after disagreeing with each other, she’s always kept her promises. That, I deeply value.

Now I ask that you don’t see me as the girl who got raped. I also don’t want your pity. I want you all to view me as someone who is healing, and someone who keeps her promises. I know I can be annoying sometimes. But if this happened to you too, my advice is to not keep it in. Because keeping something, so horrific, to yourself will only consume you more and more as time passes. I still remember that incident clear as day. I’m happy that even though it was extremely hard to write about since I never have before, I got to tell all of y’all my story. I also hope that I have opened up your minds, and to just be kind to one another because you never know what someone is going through.